I Walked Away
by PickaPicChallenge
Summary: Edward is going to leave Bella. She knows the situation will be dire if she doesn't act quickly. Will her faith in his love inadvertently save them, or will they both live a lonely existence without hope of ever being together again?


**Pick a Pic Challenge**

**Title**: _I Walked Away_

**Banner #**: 60

**Pairing**: Bella & Edward

**Genre**: Angst/romance

**Rating/Disclaimer**: NC17. All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. Any original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.

**Summary**: Edward is going to leave Bella. She knows the situation will be dire if she doesn't act quickly. Will her faith in his love inadvertently save them, or will they both live a lonely existence without hope of ever being together again?

**Warnings**: This story deals with supernatural subjects (vampires), self-harm, adult situations and angst. Proceed with caution if any of the above are triggers for you.

To see all entries for this contest, please visit (pickapic).(twificpics).com

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**xXx**

**I Walked Away...**

I tentatively touched the bandage on my arm. Carlisle's words sunk in.

_Edward thought changing me would take away my soul?_

By asking him to change me, I was basically saying that I would give up my soul to be his. I would leave this human life. I would leave my parents. I would give myself completely to Edward for eternity.

No matter how hard I tried to comprehend it all, it was impossible. I loved him; I wanted to be with him.

_I know he has a soul. Regardless, my soul is a small price to pay for eternal love._

I cried silent tears every time I woke, when I realized his cool, hard body wasn't in bed with me. He didn't come through my window.

I felt for Jasper. He'd always struggled the most with his bloodlust. Yet, I still couldn't get the image out of my consciousness; his face, contorted in anger and hunger, had shocked me to the core.

_Is that how I'd look at Charlie, at Renee?_

Edward wasn't at school the next day. None of the Cullen's were. I knew it would be bad. _Very_ bad.

I knew the risk I took with my life every time I was in their presence, but Edward made me feel so safe, so protected and cherished. I'd never seriously contemplated that what had happened at my birthday party could ever occur.

But it did, and I knew Edward would use the event as the catalyst. He would pull away from me.

How could I fix it? No matter what scenario I concocted, it had the same result.

_I can't be with Edward forever if he won't change me._

Could I expect him to change me, considering what he believed?

No, I couldn't expect him to. I knew I would _always_ be the fragile human that disrupted his life. I recognized our relationship was completely destructive. I would move forward. I would change, he wouldn't. He'd _never_ agree to change me. I'd get older; he'd stay the same. I loved him, but he could never truly be mine. His world, I could never _fully_ participate in, while I was human.

I stared at the photograph that Charlie took of me, standing next to Edward.

Edward looked just as beautiful as he did in real life. My heart pounded in reaction to him. No words could describe how completely mesmerizing he was. His beauty, his honey-gold eyes, dark, curling lashes, pouty full lips and distinct masculine jaw, he was desirable to me, in _every _way. Not just his looks, but also the way he would hold me, the gentle way he kissed me, and the sparkle I could see in his eyes when I said something amusing. His restraint, his overwhelming control that he exercised daily to stop his natural instinct to bite...

Yet, in the photograph he looked devastatingly cold and statue-like. He was still inhumanly beautiful, but there was something missing from his expression.

In the photograph, I stood awkwardly next to him, almost shamefully plain and nondescript.

_Would he still love me if he were able to read my thoughts?_

Thinking about it made my head hurt. I stared at the return trip ticket to Florida that Carlisle and Esme had given me, and I made a decision that I hoped I wouldn't regret.

I called my mom, I told her my plan. She was ecstatic.

I would leave for Florida in two weeks.

I would leave Edward.

I would leave Charlie.

I'd leave the life I had in Forks behind.

The pain in my chest, the ache, the hole, I knew it would never heal. But the alternative could be worse.

I suspected Edward was going to leave me. I felt it. I knew. I remembered the words he said to me when I was in the hospital in Phoenix, after James...

'_Bella, you have to go to Jacksonville, so I can't hurt you anymore.'_

My heart was breaking already and the only solution I could come up with, that would leave me some slither of self-respect and the tiniest possibility of a favorable outcome, was if I beat him to it.

I knew him better than he knew himself. I knew he loved me. I knew how long he'd waited to find me. I _was_ his mate. Yet, none of it meant anything if he wasn't prepared to end my human life so we could actually be together, in _every_ way.

The one thing I was counting on was the one thing that I knew he would always worry about.

He would worry about _me_.

Edward was my protector, yet, he was scared _he'd_ lose control and hurt me. That was his biggest fear, and now I knew what was also behind that fear.

_He doesn't want me to lose my soul._

Edward hated what he was, he could never bring himself to inflict that type of pain on me, and I'm sure it wasn't just the pain of the transformation; I'd only suffered a minute of that excruciating, burning hell. I knew if it meant I'd be with Edward forever, I'd suffer it. But he knew what it meant to condemn me to his life, to know that I'd need to feed, that my desire to kill would dominate me.

I understood why, but it didn't change how much I loved him, or how every living cell in my body knew that _we belonged_ together. The pointers were there. Here I was, a fallible human with the most delicious smelling blood and a silent mind. Yet, his restraint and his love for me had surpassed all odds.

This couldn't be the end for us. I _refused_ to believe it would be.

If I broke up with him, he would respect my wish and not suffer eternal guilt. He would rationalize my decision. He'd agree with it. It wouldn't stop him from loving me. That was the part I was counting on; his desire to protect and watch over me would never die.

He'd follow me. He'd watch out for me. He wouldn't be able to let me go completely, and that would give me the time I needed to come up with a plan to convince him we were meant to be together. _Together, forever._

_But if the situation was reversed? If I allowed him to break up with me first?_

I feared he'd remove himself from my life in self-punishment or a warped sense of chivalry.

_I belong to him and he belongs to me, regardless of souls, hearts beating or blood flowing._

I needed to prove to him that we couldn't be apart. The only way to do that was to temporarily let him go.

_The alternative, I can't control. This I can control. Please Alice, don't say anything!_

Alice could see what the outcome would be. Maybe not the final outcome, but hopefully my actions would negate his decision. I couldn't rely on destiny to ensure our love survived. I definitely couldn't leave it up to Edward, and his outdated moral ethics.

I needed to be prepared, because my heart could be ripped from my chest at any moment, and yet, I needed to be convincing enough for him to accept my decision, for the scene to play out how I wanted it to.

Alice called me.

"Bella—"

"Don't say anything." I warned her. I was so scared that she'd tell me my plan wasn't go to work. "I'm doing it. You don't have to tell me how it works out. I think I already know. I'll miss you terribly. Maybe one day...I'm counting on the fact that one day I'll see you again. I don't want Jasper to think about it. It was only a matter of time until it became too much for Edward. I love you, Alice. Goodbye."

"I love you too, Bella. Just promise me one thing. When you do it, say these words and everything will work out, _eventually_. Tell Edward..."

I cried at the words Alice wanted me to say to him. I trusted her and I had nothing to lose, so I worded my goodbye to Edward over and over in my mind, ending with the passage she made me write word for word, and made me swear that the piece of paper with those words, and the airline tickets, would be in my possession at all times.

The words summed up my feelings exactly, and if it worked, which I hoped it would, Edward would still be close to me.

I didn't sleep well. The day had weighed heavily on me. I tried to stay upbeat. In my mind I imagined Edward just needed some time, and that when he did come and find me, he would decide to stay.

_Surely he loves me enough to need to be with me, no matter what? I'll never be in a position where I have to say those words._

Time seemed to slow down that day after school.

The relief I felt when I saw Edward standing in the yard was short-lived. His eyes briefly flashed with love and desperation. The time we'd spent apart since my disaster of a birthday party was the longest he'd ever stayed away from me. But the love and desperation seem to drain from his expression almost instantly. The cold, blank stare had returned, and I knew what I had to do.

My heart pounded erratically in my chest. I knew he could hear it.

"Come take a walk with me," he said casually.

It felt like the air was sucked out of my lungs.

I followed Edward unwillingly as he walked forward into the forest behind my house. I chanted the words I needed to say in my head, over and over, trying not to break down. The panic was almost choking me.

_This is the only way. It's going to work. It's going to work!_

Before I knew it, Edward stopped and turned to me. His blank stare evident and his face showed determination.

"Bella, we're leaving," he said with no emotion.

All my fears in that instant were actualized. He was going to walk away from our love. He was going to walk away from me—his mate—to 'protect' me.

_I won't let him do this to us!_

"Edward, before you say anything, what happened with Jasper... it made me realize something," I took in a shallow breath. I couldn't believe I was going to do this, but I knew I had no other choice.

"I love you. I can't even believe that I met you and this is all real. I know it is, but now I understand why it's so hard for you to be with me. Everyday you're fighting your natural instincts so you can love me."

"Bella, please."

I could sense his unease. I wasn't going to let him say the words he wanted to say to me.

"No! I need to say this. If I don't say it now, then I know I'll regret it. _Please Edward_," I stepped forward and held his hand. I could feel the tension rolling off him and the severe restraint he was enforcing on himself not to speak.

"I thought it could work. I thought our love would be enough, but it won't be. You think I'll get hurt, maybe you think I'm too fragile to be a part of your life. You're always so focused on doing the right thing and protecting me. You're not ready to _truly_ be with me. You don't want me to be like you." I couldn't look into his ocher eyes then. I dipped my head down and looked at his beautiful hand in mine.

"I want everything with you, Edward. I want a life. I want to be yours. I _want_ you, _intimately_," I whispered. "I know you don't want that with me...even though, I know I'm your mate. I _know_ I am!"

I pulled his hand up to my lips. I breathed in the unique smell of his cool marble skin, and I made myself believe that this would not be the last time we touched.

"I'm moving to Florida in two weeks." I said in a rush before I mentally talked myself out of it.

I looked up to his face then. He looked confused as he absorbed what I'd said.

"Edward, you will always be here, in my heart," I pulled his hand to rest on my chest. "We _belong_ together, but I can't be with you right now. I know I'll hear your voice in my head every day and I'll see your face every time I close my eyes and you'll know, you'll know _I love you_. I will never love anyone but you. I'll be waiting for you, _forever_. My heart, my _life_, my soul belongs to you. I love you. If you love me, then, _please_ don't try and contact me until you're ready," tears fell from my eyes, yet I tried to stay focused enough not to look away from him. "I know you love me...maybe we just need time…" I couldn't finish the sentence, because I knew time apart would tell whether or not our love could overcome his stubbornness and my human fragility.

I lifted his hand and I kissed his cool palm.

"Your existence gives me hope. We _will_ be together again, when you're ready."

I pushed my face against his chest and I kissed over his heart, inhaling deeply and silently chanting in my mind that I was doing the right thing. I could have sworn I felt his lips touch so gently to the top of my head.

Then I turned, with tears streaming down my face, I walked away from Edward Cullen, and I didn't look back.

I tried to stop crying but I couldn't.

My head pounded, my heart felt heavy. There was a tightening ache in the back of my throat. I kept reminding myself that this was the only chance we had.

I was so glad that I told Charlie that I was leaving before I told Edward. I was counting on Edward hearing Charlie's thoughts about it if he was looking over me. Somehow I needed Edward to know that my decision was made before he asked me to walk with him into the woods.

Charlie had been angry at first, until I explained that everything was too much with Edward. I needed to focus on my studies and not my relationship with him. I made up some completely lame story about wanting to get into the right college and not be tied to one person so young.

He agreed with me and said he'd support me. I knew a part of him was glad I'd cut ties with Edward. I also knew that Charlie would worry about me. Edward's instinct to protect me would increase, knowing Charlie couldn't look out for me when I was so far from Forks.

The sadness completely engulfed me the next day at school when none of them were there. Of course, his decision to make his family leave Forks was made and probably even put into place the night of my birthday; my breaking up with him first hadn't changed that part of his plan.

For the next two weeks I was sure I could sense Edward was close. I had no idea if it was wishful thinking or if he really was watching over me. I couldn't dwell. I needed to get through this. It could be months, or _years_ before we would be together again. I refused to even let the thought that it wouldn't work, enter my head.

It was with the heaviest of hearts that I left Forks.

Silent tears seemed to fall all the time, but I just wiped them away and I remembered my words to Edward.

_'Your existence gives me hope. We will be together again, when you're ready.'_

When I closed my eyes, I did see Edward's face, but the longer the passage of time the harder it became to conjure.

He'd taken all evidence of himself and his family from my room that fateful day; except the airline tickets that I'd been carrying with me. He had made it almost impossible for me to hold on to my memories, especially when I'd established myself in Florida.

I didn't have a photo, a memento, _nothing_.

I wanted my dreams to be of Edward and me in the meadow, his cool kisses and his light touches. My dreams didn't give me that pleasure of recollection. No, they tortured me, with my surreal memories of the burning of James' venom, as it seemed to seep into my very soul.

_The soul that Edward didn't want me to lose._

I'd wake up in a sweat, convinced that the draft that would breeze over me in that split second that I awoke was Edward's cool body leaving my room.

I held so much hope. I spoke to the darkness. I prayed he would hear.

"I miss you. I wish I'd met you when you were human. I'll never love anyone but you. I love you, Edward. I'm so, so sorry."

I'd fall asleep. I'd wake. The day would repeat.

Before I knew it, I graduated High School.

Months dragged on. College was routine, a mild respite from the pain. New friends that I never let get too close. Male attention that was unwelcome and not reciprocated.

I had my own room in the dorm. It was on the third floor. I'd always leave the window unlocked.

Some nights I'd lie in bed and think of his hands, his eyes, his mouth. I'd picture him smiling at me, his nostrils flaring as his light touch traced my cheek. I'd slowly bring my body to orgasm, whispering his name.

I'd leave my damp panties on the floor, memorizing their location, the way they were folded. All through my classes I'd pray I get back to my room to find them moved, even a fraction.

They were never touched.

How long could I sustain this life? The hole was wide, the feeling of loss was excruciating. I promised him I'd wait forever, but the thought of him never coming to me, sunk my mood into a deep depression.

A week before college graduation I'd finally agreed to go out with a group of classmates. I knew it was destructive to think he was near, watching me. Yet it was the only thing that got me through from day-to-day.

I wore blue that night. I knew he liked the color against my skin. My hair was down in soft waves. I even put on a little makeup.

In my mind I believed that this was the night that he would come to me. Just the power of that fantasy made me jubilant. I imagined him seeing me, coveting me. I imagined that he would be waiting for me in my dorm...I imagined him telling me that he couldn't stand being apart from me any longer and that he wanted to make love to me.

Then my fantasy faded.

_He would never want that._

I was somber, but I tried to look happy. Every moment I could I'd close my eyes, as if absorbing the bass of the music radiating through my body. I'd press my hand to my chest and try to remember him. I would hold the imaginary image of Edward's hand to my heart and wish he could see me and know I was thinking of him.

The bar was crowded and it seemed every one was happy and drunk. I sat unmoving, sipping a soda, when a tall, attractive man approached my table. He seemed nice. He was about to graduate as well. He was friendly and he was funny. When he made me laugh, I felt it to my toes. He bought me a drink.

His name was Alexander.

I should have let go. I should have been open and I should have said 'yes' to his invitation to meet for coffee the next day. But I couldn't. It wasn't fair to lead him on because I only wanted Edward. I would only ever want Edward.

Alexander smiled and bought me another soda.

Then the room became a little too hot. My vision started to blur. I got a cramp in my side. My classmates were dancing. Alexander helped me to stand. He asked me where I lived. I slurred out the words. He told me he'd get me home.

I wanted Edward. I knew I said his name over and over as Alexander held my arms too tightly as he led me out of the bar, laughing and telling people as I staggered that I couldn't hold my liquor.

_Edward!_

Something was very wrong and I could sense as I fell into the dragging unconsciousness, that I wouldn't want to wake from it.

_Edward help me!_

The fear was there, but I also felt so stupid. Charlie had told me _never_ to accept a drink from a stranger.

_How could I have been so trusting? Why did I tell him where I lived?_

My anger swelled. I never wanted to wake.

_Edward! Edward I love you!_

The blackness engulfed me.

In the serenity of darkness, I felt Edward's arms around me. I felt his cool breath on my neck. His fingers glided through my hair. He whispered words of love.

'_Bella, I love you. I'm sorry.'_

I tried to hold onto the dream. I willed my eyes to open. I willed my useless arms to hold him tight and never let him go.

When I did wake, I was on my bed in my dorm room. The sun was bright. The window was open.

I touched my chest. I was still clothed, my jeans still on. My shoes weren't.

"Edward!" was the first thing I said.

I didn't feel different, physically. I hadn't been..._touched_.

I didn't know who'd gotten me home safely.

_Was it you, Edward? Was it Alice?_

I cried out for him, again and again, until I lost all hope. The numbness came back.

I graduated College.

I didn't have a clue what I wanted to do with my life. All I knew was that I had to work to pay off my student debt and I wanted to be somewhere Edward could be near me. I wanted to make it easy for him to decide to come to me.

I rented a small house, out of the city.

I'd become an unhappy recluse. I was dead inside. The only pleasure in my life was writing endless accounts of my memories of Edward. His touch and how it electrified me, the feel of his hard, marble-like skin. His breath, how his breath tasted, how it made me lightheaded and wanting.

I knew Edward was out in the world somewhere, yet knowing he was living an existence without me, made the hope I'd been holding onto crumble to dust.

The years dragged by. Over time, my thoughts and memories that had kept me positive and hopeful twisted and became dark and foreboding.

I convinced myself that he'd found someone else, a vampire. I imagined her as beautiful and strong. Her mind was silent to him, and she wanted to live like the Cullen's. Rosalie adored her, so did Esme. Alice was conflicted but she'd seen a vision of how happy she made Edward. I imagined he was so absorbed in her love that he didn't even think about me; he was relieved he found his true vampire mate and he simply basked in the love and the intimacy she could give him.

_He's not coming to find me._

_He doesn't love me._

_I'll never see him again. I'll never hear his voice, or touch my lips to his._

_If I can't be with him, what's the point? Why I am here living a hollow life, a life that means nothing without his love?_

I spoke to Charlie on the phone that day. I also spoke to Renee. They'd both said—in their own way—that they were worried about me and that they would visit soon. They both needed to know I was looking after myself.

That was the night of my twenty-fifth birthday.

It had been seven years. Seven long years since the night that had changed my life, the incident that had shattered my blissful life of loving Edward. A simple paper cut had ruined any chance of me being with my one true love.

I spent my birthday at home in the little cottage I rented near the forest.

I knew I couldn't go on like this. I needed him. I didn't want to be alone anymore.

My mind had shut down to self-protect.

I showered, washed my hair, and dried it as straight as I could. I wrote a letter to Charlie, and one to Renee. It didn't matter now. Nothing at all in my pathetic excuse of a life mattered.

I wrote to Edward. It was a goodbye, a final goodbye. It was a declaration, an outpouring of my love for him. It was also an apology for thinking my flawed plan would work.

_Dear Edward,_

_I'm sorry. I regret breaking up with you._

_At the time, I justified it because I knew you were going to break up with me first and leave me, forever._

_I thought if I broke up with you first, you wouldn't cut me from your life completely. I thought maybe you'd stay close to me. I even fooled myself into believing you _were_ close to me. It was like I could feel your eyes on me, watching and looking out for me._

_I kind of believed that it was you that got me out of what could have been a devastating situation when I was in College. I held on to that belief for a long time, but when you didn't answer my pleading for you to come to me...I thought that maybe I was wrong. Maybe you'd simply taken the break-up as the chance to separate from me; a chance to live in your world without the annoying, fragile human, disrupting your life and causing you pain._

_I'm sorry, sorry for believing that our love would surpass my scent, blood flowing through my veins, your stubbornness and my fragility._

_I tried to regain some hope when I moved to this cottage. I wanted to be somewhere you could hunt, and not have to worry about the daylight. I hoped and prayed you would come to me, but I've been waiting here almost two years. Maybe you don't even know where I am?_

_I thought maybe it would have been easier for you not to know. So then, I convinced myself you'd found a mate, even though I was sure _I_ was your mate. It was foolish of me really, to think that you and I had the strength of love that would survive anything. Even though you told me we could never be intimate, like real lovers, I wished for it._

_Edward, I thought about you that way every day. The pleasure of thinking about how you and I could physically make love, was all I had._

_But then in the cold light of day, it made me feel even worse. So I tried to visualize you happy, in love, living with your family, and not having a regret when it came to the too brief relationship with a teenager. I thought that maybe, in a way, our love served a purpose. Maybe it was to open your eyes to the fact that you had immense capacity to love, and I hoped that maybe, just maybe, knowing me had enriched your existence._

_You enriched mine. The entire time we were together was life altering for me. There were things I'd never before dreamed about as reality, but also, the fact that I had never before felt the things I felt when I was with you. You made me feel so alive. You made me feel loved and cherished._

_How could I even think of loving someone else, when you were the only one I knew I would ever want?_

_I'm barely existing now, sadness and depression shroud me daily. There doesn't seem to be any shining light—no evidence that you are waiting for the right time to be with me._

_I've lost all faith. I question everything I remember. Maybe I was just a foolish schoolgirl? Maybe I projected the ideal of love onto you?_

_Every time I asked myself those questions, I could vaguely remember you holding me, your attentive soft kisses and the words of love you declared. I remembered the meadow, Edward. I remember our first kiss._

_You loved me. I know it. I felt it._

_I can never regret having experienced that love with you. But knowing you're not going to come to me, knowing that after all this time, you're still not ready, it kills me. I feel like I've been living with a huge hole punched through my chest, and it won't heal._

_I understand why you didn't want to change me. I should never have asked it of you. But if I had understood back then, that asking, or expecting it, or forgetting the idea completely instead of being apart from you, I would have chosen you. I would have chosen to have you, for as long as you would have allowed it._

_I thought I could have it all. I thought changing meant I could be with you forever! And I wanted that, so much. But now I know it wasn't just the choice of 'all or nothing'. I wish I could have been with you longer. Any amount of time would have been preferable than this half-existence without you._

_Maybe I should have let you break up with me? Maybe the consequence of you breaking up with me, and me staying in Forks would have been less dire?_

_I meant what I said in the forest, I love you! You are the only man I'll ever love. I don't believe I have a soul. Loss of faith and loss of love leaves me feeling empty and so alone. I don't want to exist like this, without you._

_Even without a soul, I hold the love that I had with you and I'm not scared about taking that with me. What scares me is the fading memories, making me grow more anxious each day we're apart._

_If you're somewhere far away, loving someone else, then please know I am very happy for you._

_Even as I write, I selfishly hope you have been close to me all this time and that maybe this is a way to _force_ you to come back to me._

_Am I so wrong to want that? To want you to stop me from doing this, to tell me you were just as unhappy living without me?_

_If you know I'll never expect you to change me, if I promise we can take each day as it comes, to find our love again? Would that change your mind? Would you come to me? Even if your heart now belongs to someone else, would you come? Would you at least let me be a part of your life? I'd do anything for that, Edward._

_Half of me wants to cross everything I've written out and start writing again. Maybe I'm too selfish and stuck living in the past to sound mentally coherent, but these _are_ my thoughts._

_I know if you could have read my mind, this is what you would have seen. My insane love for you, that twists my stomach into knots when I recall your touch, or that makes my whole body warm with emotion when I remember your crooked smile. When I try so hard to remember what it was like to wake up with you holding me in my bed, or how it felt to dance with you at Prom._

_I'm nothing without your love. I'm like a walking shell without the fullness of all of those memories. I just don't want to live like this any more. I'm sorry._

_I love you, and I need you to know that I did wait for as long as I could, and I loved you every day._

_I love you, Edward. Always._

_Bella xx_

I folded the letter and slipped it into a plain white envelope.

_Would he be near? Would he know, and would he choose?_

_No, he's somewhere else. He's happy, without me._

I was broken and alone. If he had been near me, if he did still love me, then this was the night he had to decide. If it didn't work, then I could at least be at peace. The soul that Edward wanted to keep intact had shriveled and died in the years since I last kissed his lips. My paper-thin human memories were so fragile and faded; I struggled to even remember the butterscotch color of his eyes. I couldn't recall what he used to wear. I couldn't conjure the sound of his voice, or imagine his delectable and distinct smell.

The knife blade was sharp and yet, it didn't scare me. I looked at it with a casual detachment.

It was ironic; the knife would be the tool I used to stop the pain of my life, the only thing that would stop the anguish and torture of being without Edward.

I remembered the day Edward skipped blood typing at school, the day he possessively lifted me off the sidewalk and away from Mike Newton. Then I remembered the sting of the wrapping paper slicing my finger, and the consequence of that mishap seven years ago.

I wanted to see the blood drain from my body. I detested the life flowing through me.

A small voice in my mind kept telling me that Edward wouldn't want this for me. Another voice told me he was near; _he'd always been near_.

If my life was going to end without him, I wanted some dignity.

Walking through the forest seemed almost symbolic. It wasn't quite the same as Forks; the ground was sodden through, but the foliage smelled different. Nothing reminded me of him anymore.

I wandered and cried, slowly building up to it. I was determined, yet also afraid.

_What if I do it wrong? What if I can't go through with it?_

_Is he watching me, does he know? Has Alice seen and sent him to me?_

I sat on the cold, wet ground and I wept for him. I hated myself, I hated that I let him go. I should have fought for him, fought for us. I could have begged him to stay with me.

_I should have never walked away from our love. Maybe everything would have turned out better if I'd let him break my heart in the forest that day._

The cool splats of water that began to hit my face were calming. The canopy of the trees filtered the rain for a while but then the deluge saturated me.

Lightning cracked, like a blinding streak, and I saw a face. _His face?_

"Edward?"

I stood and walked forward. The boom of thunder overhead halted me.

He wasn't there. It was my imagination.

Adrenaline, fear, longing, numbness… I wanted it all to stop.

I was tired, so hopelessly exhausted with my mind, with my anguish at leaving him. I wanted a way out; I wanted to fall into a never-ending dream where we could be together, where we belonged.

The rain would wash away everything, a baptism of sorts. Cleanse me. If any shadow were left of my soul, it would seep with my blood into the Earth. My breath would slow; my heart would beat its last beat. The sting of the cut wouldn't register.

"I can't live without you. My spirit died when I left you. I can't bear it anymore. I need the pain to go away. I don't want to be without you."

I didn't think twice. I sliced the blade over my wrist, thankful that the cool rain soothed the sting and shooting pain as it diluted the flow. The knife dropped from my shaking fingers and a surreal feeling of contentment washed over me. I lay down on the cold muddy Earth. Heavy rain flowed into my mouth as I folded in on myself.

"I love you. I love you, Edward. I can't live without you. I'm sorry."

My head pounded in time with the falling rain and the boom of thunder. I knew my heart was black, wasted away without the love I'd tasted when I was with him. The blackness was a comfort. I wanted to dream of him. I wanted to sleep with the remembrance of eternal love washing over my body.

It never came, just the freezing iciness of the rain, the pain of the cut and the slow stomach wrenching nausea from the loss of blood.

I wished for death to claim me.

_Edward, I love you._

I felt the cool pull. I felt the tingle and the sharp sting and drag of something cold and wet over my wrist.

Then an all encompassing warmth, and his voice soothed me.

"I'll never let you go, Bella! I've always been here! You can't leave me!"

_Heaven._

_He was right, I have a soul and his voice is here._

_I'm in Heaven._

**xXx**


End file.
